If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
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Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Very good news from my accountant
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.