WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
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Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.