WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
You Might Also Like
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Don’t talk down to me
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.