WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
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Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!