@jayenn21st

Website: Are you a robot?

Me: *sighs* Man, if only.

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@Marlebean

Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…

@frankzulla

Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”

@Invisichad

My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)

OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE

(one second later)

We’re getting a correction from the brain:

it is the world’s tiniest moth

@NotLikeFreddy

WRITER FRIEND: I’m stuck on this plot point
ME: tell me more
WRITER FRIEND: *gives me a summary*
ME: h—
WRITER FRIEND: OH SHIT I JUST FIGURED OUT EVERYTHING

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.

Me: Piece of cake, babe.

[one week later]

Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.

@GingerHotDish

Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?

There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.

*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*

@kumailn

Advertisers think we’re like “Oh a pop-up ad is in the way of the thing I actually want to watch? I should purchase whatever it’s selling!”

@BuckyIsotope

DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me

@Home_Halfway

“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”