Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
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[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché