[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Website: Make a password
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
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If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?
ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.