@DrakeGatsby

Website: Make a password

Me: Ok

Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED

Me: Wow alright

Website: Damn that’s a strong password

[1 Week Later]

Website: You got hacked

Me: But my password was so strong

Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad

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@noog

[white house staff meeting]

Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*

@MomofTeen

If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.

@elle91

[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]

@OllyiConic

“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”

@RussBland

[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?

ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*

@MavenofHonor

On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.

@Adam14

Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?

@PondBubbles

Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.

Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.