dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Website: Make a password
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
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A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.
They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Mom: Where are you?
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
If aliens are supposed to be so much more advanced than us, how did ET not know about texting?
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
I can’t pet a cat without plotting world domination.
I heard someone say a guy on TV “oozes sexiness.”
I don’t think oozing is very sexy at all.
If something oozes, it’s probably infected.