I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
website: select a security question
website: make of first car
website: mother’s maiden name
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
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It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Coworkers: Zack, you should come to a hookah bar with us!
Me: Why? Who’s celebrating their 12th birthday?
Changed Grandma’s email signature to “Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal!”
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?