website: select a security question

me: ok

website: make of first car

me: nah

website: mother’s maiden name

me: nope

website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp

me: bingo

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Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.


It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”


You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?

Hahahaa WHY!!??


Coworkers: Zack, you should come to a hookah bar with us!

Me: Why? Who’s celebrating their 12th birthday?


Changed Grandma’s email signature to “Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal!”


Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?

3yo: *sneezes*