website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
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[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a