If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
WEBSITE: You must be legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
ME AT 13: [Playing it safe] 623 BC
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*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
M: another pen
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
stop saying you wish and start saying you will
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
him: who is your fantasy?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]