We decided to have money instead of children.
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[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
They also CAN sing✌️
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.