#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
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yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
ready to be harvested
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork