We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
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Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
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Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.