We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
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I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Hello Twits.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
dogs can find happiness so easily
But I really needed water water water
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.