We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
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I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
…u ok Nintendo?
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
me as a parent
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
spot the difference