We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair

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I was just accosted by a small child riding shotgun in a shopping cart yelling “why you ain’t got no babies?”I bet my father in law paid her


My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.


Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”

Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”


Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again

-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target


To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.


Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014


No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.


Teaching my kid math like:

If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?


Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic

8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t