-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
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*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me: