*takes personality test*
We’d love to offer you the job
[My phone buzzes] Congrats on your 250? tweet!
ME [leaving]: Lol no thanks I won’t be needing to work anymore
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You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.
#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I like to slip a Honey Boo Boo episode in every once in awhile to remind my husband that it could be worse.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*