@NicestHippo

We’d love to offer you the job
[My phone buzzes] Congrats on your 250? tweet!
ME [leaving]: Lol no thanks I won’t be needing to work anymore

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@mdob11

You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.

@donni

A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages

@hansabumsadaisy

Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.

#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

@mstluvstrinkets

I like to slip a Honey Boo Boo episode in every once in awhile to remind my husband that it could be worse.

@junejuly12

If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.

@continentlbkfst

[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]

*makes a girl laugh*

me: can you do my taxes

@BoogTweets

Me: You are not going to believe this…

Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child

Me: There is no toilet paper over here.

@FatherWithTwins

4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*