HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
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Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Sending in my taxes
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.