[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
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me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.