[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
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just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?