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@panmidwest: [Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it's today!
ME: it's always today, janet
@jdbalani: I don’t drink water, unless it’s been through a brewery first.
@aka_fatman: Therapist: It's been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
@DaHess1: Dear Airlines,
We never really turn the phones off.
@Jardisliketardi: The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
@TeeJayRush: Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend...