[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
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Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men