[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine

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“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”


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WIFE: did you look everywhere?

ME: yes

WIFE: even down

ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on


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raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please


One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.