[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine

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The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.


As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.


I fill my pockets with glitter so when people ask me for money, I can turn them out to show that I’m broke, but still a little fancy.


[First day as a personal chef]

How do you take your poptart?


date: i love mussels

me: i hate working out

date: i mean from the sea

me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman


[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that


Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.

Me: what makes you say that?

Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?

Wife: see what I me-

Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.


Me: I’m a programmer.

Person 1: “make my website pls”

Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”

Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”

Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”

Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”


them: we’re offering you a job at the hospital in our new ward

me: omg really?!? which one

them: psych

me: aw dang i thought you were serious 🙁