@ArfMeasures

[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine

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@Parker_Simpson

We’re probably like 10 years away from ppl running for president strictly for more Twitter followers

@david8hughes

“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”

@InternetHippo

I don’t get movies where people switch bodies and they’re like “Ahh I gotta get my old body back” if I could ditch this decrepit nightmare I’d be like lol bye

@KalvinMacleod

ME: I can’t find my sandals

WIFE: did you look everywhere?

ME: yes

WIFE: even down

ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on

@Mr_Kapowski

Curling is basically yelling at your teammates to fix your mistake

@markedly

To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying

@KingsnorthAP

Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic

@linkindrinkin

garbage man: hello little fella

raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please

@jakob_huber

One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.