The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
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As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
I fill my pockets with glitter so when people ask me for money, I can turn them out to show that I’m broke, but still a little fancy.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
them: we’re offering you a job at the hospital in our new ward
me: omg really?!? which one
me: aw dang i thought you were serious 🙁