@WheelTod

[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!!

[Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!

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@BuckyIsotope

Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down

@FloodyHippie

A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.

@WetMascara

Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.

@DrakeGatsby

Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one

My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word

@Ophelia_808

[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!

@Contwixt

Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.

God, or no god, those are good Brownies.

@LauraKPeek

I wanna hear one person say that their motivation to lose weight was how bad their farts were. Just a guy crying like “it was ripping my family apart.”

@pilau

Crossover ideas

– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys

@stealingyergirl

[bedtime]
Son: Can you leave the light on?
Me: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
Son: What?
Me: What?