[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
You Might Also Like
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
moms in horror movies
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.