[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!!

[Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!

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Octopus – 8 arms
Octagon – 8 sides
Octuplets – 8 babies
October – 8th month
I’m burning this world down


A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.


Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.


Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one

My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word


[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.


Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.

God, or no god, those are good Brownies.


I wanna hear one person say that their motivation to lose weight was how bad their farts were. Just a guy crying like “it was ripping my family apart.”


Crossover ideas

– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys


Son: Can you leave the light on?
Me: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
Son: What?
Me: What?