@dafloydsta

[wedding]

“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”

ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR

*priest drops bible*

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@truegritrumble

HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.

@GrantTanaka

kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can

@AndrewChamings

I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato

@PlopWaffle

Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.

@mo_vitaluna

To all those out there named Christian but are atheist,

LOL

Sincerely,
The rest of us

@lazerdoov

*in a job interview*

No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker

@SortaBad

If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years