HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
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kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Make it a Great Friday by not getting nailed to a cross.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
To all those out there named Christian but are atheist,
The rest of us
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.