I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
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Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
fly smarter, not harder
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
looks legit
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.