Dad: it’s considered bad luck for the groom to see the bride in her wedding dress before the ceremony.

Me: Yeah, I know. It’s why I’m facetiming him.

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Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’


The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded


I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.


calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves


Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School


If someone approaches you and offers you a Black Eyed Peas album, remain calm. You have just encountered a member of the Black Eyed Peas.


I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.


Wife: how’s potty training been today?

Me: he peed twice!

Wife: that’s great!

Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.


interviewer: what is ur weakness?

me: follow up questions

interview: care to elaborate?

me: [quivers with fear]