definitely did not do anything wrong
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Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.