i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”

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Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.


cute girl: can i have ur number?

me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use


I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!


Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.


Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!


If you start with 17 teeth and lose 14, you have 3 left. It’s basic meth.


*logs onto Facebook*

*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*

*logs off forever*


I really relate to your au naturale selfies because I too was born wearing seven pounds of mascara and an eyeshadow palette of urban grey.


CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.