[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
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FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.