@mattewe02

[wedding]

me: is $5,000 enough?

stacy: you moron it’s bride not bribe

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@squirrel74wkgn

*kids running down the stairs*

DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”

@impaulmccoy

I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.

@Ygrene

[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really

@tacsanitchiban

Whenever someone says “let’s get weird” my first thought is “I’m already there”

@onyxaminedlife

Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time

@McFluffy537

It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.

@10TAVY

day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home