*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
me: is $5,000 enough?
stacy: you moron it’s bride not bribe
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I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Whenever someone says “let’s get weird” my first thought is “I’m already there”
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home