[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
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It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
i think both sides are to blame here
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Don’t forget to tip your server
ok this is my dumbest yet
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”