friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
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On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
These people are putting up ‘Lost Parrot’ signs for the sake of their kids, but you’d think they’d place them higher for other birds to see.
Bald eagles fly at such high elevations to hide their baldness from other, meaner birds. Millennia of adaptive evolution at work.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Do you know why the Little Mermaid wears seashells? Because A and B shells were too small
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”