[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
You Might Also Like
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5