(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
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One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
lol
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Never be a pizza!
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.