Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
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when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.