Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
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most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help