is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
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“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.