When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
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“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent