My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
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inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Lol
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING