@mommajessiec

Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go

Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go

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@WheelTod

[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar

@gabeserra

Power’s been out for 40 minutes and the kids are asking why I haven’t put new batteries in the house yet…

@TheRealNickKay

Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”

Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”

Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”

@DaveWeasel

The words ‘selfie’ and ‘twerk’ have been added to the dictionary this year while ‘charm’ and ‘dignity’ have been removed.

@AristotlesNZ

Watching Mickey’s Clubhouse with my 4yo and even he’s asking why the hell would a duck like Donald need a life jacket.

@Playing_Dad

[3am]
*nudges wife* No way the old guy blew up all those balloons in Up in 1 night. Honey, you awake? I mean he’s like a million years old.

@Canadian_Cutie_

My voicemail greeting:

Its 2016, please hang up and text me before the beep so I don’t get a notification.