Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
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[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Power’s been out for 40 minutes and the kids are asking why I haven’t put new batteries in the house yet…
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
The words ‘selfie’ and ‘twerk’ have been added to the dictionary this year while ‘charm’ and ‘dignity’ have been removed.
Watching Mickey’s Clubhouse with my 4yo and even he’s asking why the hell would a duck like Donald need a life jacket.
*nudges wife* No way the old guy blew up all those balloons in Up in 1 night. Honey, you awake? I mean he’s like a million years old.
My voicemail greeting:
Its 2016, please hang up and text me before the beep so I don’t get a notification.