Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!

Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!

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[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes


The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.


If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.


Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles


Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.

Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer


Me: what are you doing?

Daughter: playing with Michael.

Me: aw, I had an imaginary friend named Michael when I was your age too.

Daughter: I know.

Me: how did you know?

Daughter: Michael told me.


The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.

The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.


Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?


charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not