*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
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I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.