Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
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My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime