Weighing myself:

“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”

“Okay, best of 3”

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I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.


Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.


Thank you for calling. To speak with a human being, please hang up and travel back to the early 1990’s.


How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.


I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.

I don’t have kids.


Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit


Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’


“Avocado Kedavra”

-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole