@saltssaltgirl

Weighing myself:

“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”

“Okay, best of 3”

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@PaperWash

I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.

@Daveastated

Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.

@TommyKarate

Thank you for calling. To speak with a human being, please hang up and travel back to the early 1990’s.

@weinerdog4life

How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.

@ElizaBayne

I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.

I don’t have kids.

@Spaziotwat

Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit

@eleniZarro

Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’

@the_paramedicK

“Avocado Kedavra”

-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole