Weighing up my bread heating options
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Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
catch me on valentine’s day like
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE