*weighs self after shaving
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I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Home is where your toilet is.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.