My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
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[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids