WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
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If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
$4 #usedbooks
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.