“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
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The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
The little toadstool has spoken.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”