[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
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Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Have kids, they said