*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
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The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!