Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
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2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Do one person every day that scares you.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.