When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
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Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.