Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
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[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.