ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
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Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
That crazy moment when you smell roast pork, but realize your heated car seat is set too high.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
My girlfriend said she wanted me to be more like her Ex. So I dumped her.
Dentist: Any plans for the weekend?
Dentist: I’m not doing anything either.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
*goes to bed