@MaryJustice86

Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.

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@bobvulfov

[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding

@jonnysun

the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road

@fro_vo

Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now

@andlikelaura

1st base: sex

2nd base: not wearing makeup

3rd base: calling each other

home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas

@BrettDruck

I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.

@ClichedOut

*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?

@TheCamelToe_

Have you ever noticed women say men only have one thing on their mind? Yet women constantly ask us what we’re thinking.

@dumbbeezie

My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard

@daplusk

I assume the hardest part of being in a street gang is not being able to enjoy a Frappuccino in public.