@MaryJustice86

Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.

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@Chumpstring

ME: I lied in my interview.

BOSS: what was the lie?

ME: all lies. except about my aunt.

BOSS: she wants to party with me?

ME: big time.

@ambamthankyamam

Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.

@realHamOnWry

That crazy moment when you smell roast pork, but realize your heated car seat is set too high.

@Quartzjixler

My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.

The human race is doomed.

@WICKEDTRUTH01

If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!

@RodLacroix

Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP

@Mish3l_Ali

My girlfriend said she wanted me to be more like her Ex. So I dumped her.

@phalguy

[At dentist]
Dentist: Any plans for the weekend?

Nnooiddtrrreeeskllyggfff

Dentist: I’m not doing anything either.

@WorkingMom86

Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay

*goes to bed