ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
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the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Have you ever noticed women say men only have one thing on their mind? Yet women constantly ask us what we’re thinking.
Handy guide to types of moon.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
I assume the hardest part of being in a street gang is not being able to enjoy a Frappuccino in public.